A CONFESSION

I don't mean to clutter up the blog comments with this... so please delete this comment once you supply the information...

But how do I find you guy's email addresses? You'd think I'd figure that out being a computer guy myself! :)

Thank You, Jonathan

John,

That's a good question actually. I can make those visable but would then have to limit access to account creation to control spammer email harvesting. But, there's a module that I've not gotten around to install that will allow for private messaging and possibly direct email between users. I'll look into that today.

So, the answer is: you can't but you probably will be able to in a few hours.

bill

John,

I installed the private message module. On the navigation menu, there's a "view inbox" link with the number of messages in it. This will do for a while. the email module that I mentioned looks more like bulk mailing to groups--which is not what we want.

Another option that I've mulled over, is to merely create forwarding, virtual email accounts at faithcommons.org for each account and then limit who the server will accept email from.

bill

Brian

I recently heard about a long time friend who I thought had tendencies, for whatever reason was found out by the church to be involved in some kind of behavior (do not know or care to know the gory details). This man was announcing his resignation as publisher of a well established brotherhood periodical. The overseeing elders likewise made announcement with an encouragement to pray and seek recovery for this man and his wife and children in overcoming his longterm problem.

My feeble observation is this: That the wish for recovery and encouragement are overwhelmed by judgment and concern for preservation of monetary gain. This is where, in my life and everyone else's, we face a tremendous hypocrisy. It is near universal and inescapable to escape being branded and wearing that curse for a very long time. While those exposed wear the brand, the secrets we all hide continue, even to the point that some people who are actually criminal end up being rewarded by a system that feeds on appearance instead of reality.

How then, does God help us deal with reality? I believe there is harmony in the universe -- and even that involves the necessity that stars collide from time to time. It makes more sense to seek harmony and unity in life with all living things -- and where that winds up on the rocks, there will be a crisis and a synthesis that comes out of it. In the final analysis, this is something that you are dealing with, and not something that you wish for others to deal with for you. Even when it comes to those we love most -- it is highly likely that they have been pre-programmed to respond as though you were a leper.

reido

Reido,
This reminds me of James 2: I wish you well; keep warm and well fed. Isn't this what we say? “Well, I hope you get over this—bye bye.” We really need to get to know each other, warts and all. For this reason, communities need problems.

As James says in another place, “Consider if pure joy. . .whenever you face trials. . .because. . .testing. . .develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete. . .” This is true for groups, also. In my experience, groups really mature and grow closer when they persevere together. We don't need expensive boot camp type workshops because we have real life.

bill

Well thank you bill and reido for your words of encouragement. I have noted that neither of you seem shocked by this revelation. Good.

After a day of pondering my decision to disclose this I have to say that I am glad I did. It is as if a weight has been lifted somewhat off my shoulders. It dawned on me as a thought about it that maybe this is why I have been so angry and alienated from christianity for so long. I honestly had never considered that possibility. As long as I kept the secret, I did not have to admit how much it affected my life. So thank you for allowing me to share.

You are so right reido, this is my problem that I have to deal with. For me, the question is WHAT exactly is that problem? At the risk of sharing waaaaaaaaay to much information, it has crossed my mind that I made a mistake getting married. I don't allow myself to consider that possibility long for obvious reasons, but I have thought it none the less. I love my wife dearly, but a part of me will always be uneasy. That is the issue I have a difficult time making peace with.

As far as the scarlet A is concerned, well I don't intend to tell anyone outside of cyberspace about this. At least not yet. I fear the damage it would do would not be worth it.

The reason I shared this with you all is I really want people to understand what is it like or at least try to understand. Maybe as bill suggests, it just another type of sinful sexual desire that most men and many women are afflicted with. That is what I thought for many years so maybe I have been fooled by popular culture. I remain unconvinced however.

I have read many testimonies by men who have "come out" and much to my dismay their stories are very similiar to mine. When I have read their desperate hopes that maybe it would change or go away if they work at it I knowingly nod my head because I use to have that hope. At this point I don't know what to do but keep moving forward.

I think my journey as I have called it, started not because of my disaffection with modern christianity (I have grown into that opinion), but instead because I knew deep down that I could never be apart of the conservative christianity I grew up with. Not because they wouldn't change their beliefs to accomodate me, but because I knew that they would not even try to understand or love me. I ultimately backed myself into the corner of accepting my rigid theology that seemingly condemned me or rejecting it completely. For better or worse, I chose to reject it.

Now, here I am where I think I have always been, on the outside looking in. Wishing I could be like everyone else and knowing that I can't.

I'm not looking for sympathy or affirmation that the way I have handled it is good or moral. I can't tell you all whether it is or not. My hope is that by sharing this folks will finally realize that it is not the half naked freaks in the gay pride parade that struggle with this, it is likely the guy sitting down the pew from you.

Brian

Brian

Most of my thoughts are reactionary. Having preached a form of perfectionism, I tried unsuccessfully to fool myself and everyone else into believing the mask. In the end, it was only by recieving the same kind of treatment I had been dishing out that let me know how futile and two-faced the whole thing was.

I have a book that I bought a couple of years ago primarily because it dealt with the role (lack of) of women in the church. "Doubts and Loves: What Is Left of Christianity" by Richard Holloway. If you can send me a private email, I'd like to send it to you.

reido

Brother Brian,
And I mean that title.. I've pondered all day after reading your post, what if anything I would want to say. First I guess I would say, no, not really a shock or a surprise. Second, I'm not sure this is 100% fair "but because I knew that they would not even try to understand or love me. I know where it comes from, but it doesn't include everyone.
To be honest, I'd love to ask you a bunch of questions and relay some of my own observations. What I think I will ask you instead is, what do you need from us?
The journey is a strange thing, ain't it?
Jim

Hey Brian... I've been reading the conversations, but haven't posted in a long time. I often feel like I don't have anything of significance to add to the discussion. I feel the same way now, but I just want to reach out and give you a cyber-hug. Sorry if that sounds hokey. I've had very close people in my life have similar struggles. It's hard. There aren't easy answers. It's sad that our society passes judgement so easily. Jesus died for all of us, and all we can do is love one another. Take care, Lu

Brian,

I hope you don't think that I believe that Homosexuality is merely a sexual perversion. What I tried to do was to understand the difficulty of squelching one's sexual instincts. The example I gave is the only one I have. But I don't necessarily equate them. Frankly, I don't have a clue.

The Apostle Paul recommended that people not marry except to keep their passions in check. He was an ascetic, as was Jesus—evidently. But hey, not everyone can be an ascetic because someone has to feed them. It is ridiculous for us to take Paul's words, as many do, as commands. We are who we are and the true Gospel is that God loves you—period. The details are the weeds and the birth pains of our existence. Each of us has our mountain to climb. And brother, yours is a steep one. My task is to help you as much as I can.

What I really want to say, is a second to Jim's comment. We love you as you are. I wish I could bear some of the burden for you and I'm ashamed that I have nothing useful to say. Give me a call if you want. Admittedly, I have no wisdom to offer. But I'll listen.

May God bless you.

bill

Jim,

I know my statement about conservative christians was too broad and totally unfair. As you know by now, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't tell you how many times I had to sit and listen to people who claimed to love God and love people make horrible homophobic (I hate that word) comments. No attempt at understanding or at loving the sinner and hating the sin type stuff. Just contempt. I am unimpressed with those who say how much they love to the face of someone struggling and then show true colors when they think no one is watching.

You can ask me any question you like, Jim. If you don't want to publicly you certainly can privately.

Lu,

Thank you for the hug. I needed that.

bill,

Thanks for the clarification. I understand your cluelessness. Much like the situation I know face with my brother who is dealing with the break up of my parents. I don't know what to say or how to say it. I think listening is all I can offer him and you can offer me.

Don't take it as anything but just my rather guarded personality if I don't call you. The internet is an outlet I feel free to express myself in. Not so much over the phone.

reido,

I will email you later today.

All,

Thanks again, and to answer Jim's question directly, I don't really need anything but encouragement.

Brian

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33 (NLT)

Brian,

I am not on here near as often as I would like but I am trying to take more time and read more. I am fascinated and so glad that you found the strength to make such a confession.
We would all do well to make a much greater effort at being as genuine as we possibly can. Here's a thought... In general, I think we are a bit obsessed with "fixin" (now you know I really am from Texas) things and constant overall process improvement. I think there is a very good chance that Satan uses the pressure of "Be the best you can be" to keep us distracted and to keep us continually feeling guilt and self-absorbed.
We need to face the fact that we all fall short... ALL of us... and I don't really think it's very really relative... not too much near...not too much far... just ALL short. Lots of guys on this blog means lots of skeletons I would bet. You just have more courage than most of us.
As I look at the things in my life that I would like to change and can't seem to make a lot of progress with, I keep wondering... When will I ever get it right? I am 45 now, and I am really beginning to believe that I will probably never get it right. But thanks be to God for his gift to us, thanks be to God for the hope we have, thanks be to God His grace. The verse from John above says to me...You can't always fix what you think you should fix. Maybe all we can do is try to focus more outside ourselves living and being Jesus to others. By having struggles that you can only hope to somehow cope with through strength provided to you from God, you become a very valuable member of the kingdom because of the mercy and grace you are capable of dispensing to others. Our world needs more people of compassion and fewer people of judgement. Maybe you have this "thorn" to give you perspective, we never know what God might be preparing us for in the future.
Think about this...
"Dear brothers and sisters,whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy." James 1:2 (NLT)
Do we live like this... I think not because in general we run from trouble and we are all weak and we all fall short.
THAT'S IS WHY WE NEED GOD'S GRACE AND FORGIVENESS SO DESPERATELY, BUT WE HAVE TO ACCEPT IT OR IT IS FOR NOTHING...
Brian,
Take Heart, be forgiven, be accepted, be growing, and be loved...because you are.
I only hope to be of some encouragement to you and others. I pray that you continue to grow in you ability to cope with your struggles. Maybe in some feeble way we can be a little help to each other.
Your courage is inspiring.

Peace & Blessings,

tolywotty