Front PagePostcards From the Edge
Submitted by BLG2319 on Wed, 01/23/2008 - 22:58. Update
Hello Everyone,
I just finished reading my last blog entry from last May. I was surprised at how well written it was. I can remember how a proud I was of it. How brutally honest I felt I was being while writing it. I just knew a new chapter was starting in my life. Let's just say I had no idea.
I have been suffering from panic attacks for a few years. I reasoned with myself that they could be ignored since they only occurred ever so often. Well, that every once and awhile became nearly everyday last summer. I literally felt terrible all the time. I would not allow myself to recognize the symptoms but clearly I was beginning to suffer from clinical depression.
Not long after I wrote my last blog here we took our son over to see some of my family. His behavior there was horrible. On the way home I insisted we stop at the liquor store. Looking back on it that was the first sign of real trouble. I was emotionally spent and looking for any kind of escape I could find. Wisely, I decided that maybe I needed to get help. I have been on anti-depressants ever since.
I don't really like being on these things honestly. They keep me from having any deep emotions. Things that use to ge my dander up do not even begin to pique my interest now. I find myself going through life with an almost perpetual "who cares" shrug. I recall I used set in my car bawling day after day. Now I can't remember that last time I shed a tear.
My depression last summer, and my subsequent lapse into non-emotiveness is the reason I disappeared from here. I just don't care anymore. That's sad. At least I think I should be sad.
I don't mean to be so negative about the medication. I would probably not be alive right now had I not gotten help. There are times however, when I feel I have lost more that I have gained. I don't have as many bad times but neither do I have all that many good times. I just have times.
In any case, that's my story. At least the part that has been written so far. I hope everyone is well and I will try to not make myself such a stranger in the future.
Brian
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Brian,I'm glad you're here
Submitted by Lu on Thu, 01/24/2008 - 22:59.
Brian,
I'm glad you're here writing. It's good that you sought help when you were feeling so bad, but not feeling emotions isn't a positive effect of a medication. Have you talked to your doctor or therapist about a different med? I know it's tough to go through, but there should be a place between daily attacks and numbness.
Lu
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Flickering Light
Submitted by bill on Fri, 01/25/2008 - 00:04.
Brian,
I have no expertise in mental health issues, so you should take whatever I say with a grain of salt. However, I do have some personal and family/friend experience. Lack of emotion may still be depression. Take Lu's advice and tell your doctor about your continuing symptoms.
This is for all who happen by:
Depression is fatal. As is cancer or heart disease. Like some other health conditions, depression leads eventually to death—if it is not mitigated. Sometimes it goes away on its own (maybe to return again). Sometimes medication, or counseling, or both can alleviate depression. (I didn't say “cure” because I don't know that there is such a cure.) Depression is not something that happens to the “weak.” In my limited experience, it is often those who quietly bear great burdens over long journeys who suffer from this terrible condition. It can come and go. Sometimes depression is the darkest night before the dawn. And waiting for the dawn requires faith in the sunrise—a difficult task after a long and tiresome, even terrible, night.
Brian,
We've had many great discussions (going on four to five years) over religion, the existence of God or gods, Christian fundamentalism, and other interesting stuff. But where we are right now, may be the crux of it all.
There is a life worth living. That life—I'm convinced—is the life that John's Jesus calls "abundant life.” It is a life of love and forgiveness. It has nothing to do with afterlife, pearly gates and that sort of stuff. It is about real people, living real lives that matter to one another. Even the simplest, most meager life brings life and light to others.
I'm not writing this because I'm an expert. But because I've had to scratch it out of the hard rocky soil of despair and depression with my own raw fingertips. Neither am I necessarily a believer in my own words. But I see the flicker of light. And that flicker is proof that the light is real. It is the light of life. Real life. Living life.
Don't let the naysayers win.
bill
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Chemical Imbalance
Submitted by reido on Sat, 01/26/2008 - 16:04.
Brian
Great to hear from you -- many times I thought about how you were. Since my own experience with chemical imbalance, I have become a little better able to recognize the symptoms and get prescriptive help. Also, I have conversed with several who have had to get help.
Not speaking for all, but I had to have my dosage adjusted. At first, I would say I felt malaise due to too much. Then they cut my dosage in half and I felt perfectly normal -- except no depression. My wife went thru the same. I do not know what the physician gave you, mine was Zoloft and it supposedly works like a switch to control the chemicals in my brain.
The one thing I did learn is that the body is very complex and an imbalance can cause all kinds of things to go haywire. In my case, I am on insulin continually to live; I was unaware that it is one of the most powerful hormones in the body. In my case, I was having predawn syndrome and did not know it (it was a particularly rough peaking insulin that I have changed). The consequences can accumulate and crash all at once -- a dangerous situation.
In my case and my wife's, the Zoloft was not permanent. Neither of us take it now. But when I need it, I talk to my physician and get it all balanced out. The news has made it sound like people who take these meds are the ones who go Postal. There are some who have, but I question the dosage and what other combinations of "stuff" might have been going on with them. For those who need it, there should be no shame.
reido
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Great to hear from you
Brian,
It's so damned good to hear from you.
Sorry that I can't write more now. I'll add more tomorrow or send you a PMi. It's way past time for me to be in bed. But tomorrow I'll get in touch.
It's really good to hear from you.
bill